Cutting Off Parents and Getting Your Adult Child Back
Cutting off parents is no easy thing. So, if an adult child does so, it’s a sign that something truly toxic that the child can’t fix has affected the relationship with the parents. Getting your adult child back, if there’s any hope of that, requires your full commitment to their healing and your transformation.
Children Love Parents More Than Parents Love Children
One of the most controversial concepts I teach in the Badass Counseling Method and my book, There’s a Hole in My Love Cup, is that ‘children love parents more than parents love children.’ Upon hearing that, most parents react with some version of, “No way! I’ve never loved anything or anyone as much as I love my children. I’d die for my kids” or some such thing. That, as any parent knows, is no doubt true.
Yet, if we sorta reverse-engineer the idea of who loves whom and what the implications of that love are, consider this:
A child will endure far, far more at the hands of a parent than a parent would ever endure at the hands of the child/adult-child. Children who have been beaten, yelled at, spit on, neglected severely, denigrated, criticized, torn down, or simply never been given any affection or warmth of any kind by a parent will often spend their lives, in one way or another (sometimes actively and sometimes passively, sometimes with excessive kindness and sometimes with anger) trying to win the attention, affection, acceptance, approval, acknowledgment, or apology of the parent(s).
Yet, from when the child is fresh out of the womb and continuing for decades, the parent has all the power, whether seen or below the surface, even in the tumultuous teens or when the young adult goes out into the world, or even when that adult-child has a family of his or her own. The power comes in a multitude of forms, especially in the first 20 years, from money to greater experience, intelligence, and social abilities; from connections to raw physical strength and simply the ability to manipulate, if desired. Because the parent has the power, generally speaking, that parent does not long tolerate from the child words and actions that hurt or are even inconvenient. (Of course, if a parent is tolerating poor treatment from a child, it’s because that parent has their own wounds from the past that keep them from hearing and heeding their own inner voice, which of course is likely the whole reason they had the child, in the first place.)
In other words, from a young age, the child gets clear messages of what is expected from the child and not tolerated. Deviations in behaviors and words, and sometimes even in thoughts and feelings (odd as that may seem) are not tolerated, basically because the parent simply doesn’t like it. And, naturally, the parent being the parent, can and will easily justify it as somehow being good for the child without mention of ultimately the benefit to the parent, even if only in terms of creating ease for the parent.
Children, thus, spend their entire young lives under the powerful thumb of the parent. In my work, I see that power over the child, while lessening to some degree, extends well into middle age or later for the adult-child and often in the subtlest ways.
Yet, that same parent, who will trumpet their love of their child to all who will listen, would never allow those roles to be inverted and the parent to be under the thumb or influence of that adult-child. Few things would cause greater chafing than that. And, for some, that extends right up until the death bed, the parent refusing to give an inch to the now 60 or 70-year-old child.
Even in relatively normal parent-child relationships, there is resistance, if not outright refusal, to abdicate power to the teen or young adult, even to determine the course of their own life. There can be a refusal to listen to criticism, or even questioning from that child.
Yet, what drives the child/adult-child to not only cling to or beg the parent, like a puppy, for attention, pride, love, and kindness is not only the normal human need for love, but the child’s near-absolute adoration of and love for the parent that generally only wanes long after the parent has given the child ample reason to stop doing so.
Children love parents at some very innate level more purely and powerfully than parents love children.
Ego and Unfulfilled Needs from the Past
Further, very often part of the reason the parent loves the child is that the child meets some very fundamental, if hidden, needs in the parent – the need to feel fulfilled, the need to be liked, the need to prove my worth (perhaps to their own parent), need for affection/attention. Thus, part of what is factoring into the equation for the parent is their own ego. If the parent is truly honest, they created a child to satisfy some need in his or herself. To some greater or lesser degree, the parent, who has all the power, is using the child to get his or her needs met. Don’t believe it?
Do you post about your child’s accomplishments on Facebook?
Do you boast about your child’s accomplishments to your friends or family?
If so, how does that benefit the child? Is it possible that it doesn’t, but only benefits you by making you look good and get attention?
Does your child exist in any way to confirm your worth, perhaps to your own parents and family?
How much does your own inner voice attacking you find, or attempt to find refuge in your parenting, perhaps by saying, “At least I’m a good mom.”
Do you tell your problems to your child? Complain about life? Share your struggles about meeting the bills, meeting a lover/companion, and your feelings of anxiety, loneliness, sadness?
When you dig deeper, are you using the child to meet your needs? How does any of this benefit the child? Worse, is it possible this actually harms, and harms greatly, his child, teen, or adult, if, for no other reasons than they lack the capacity to handle your problems and, far worse, they spend their lives stuffing down their own needs, wants, feelings, and aspirations to attend to your wants and needs. Deep down, whether they’re aware of it or not, they’re wanting to fix you, so that you can finally meet their needs and they can have the loving, supportive ‘normal’ relationship they’ve always wanted with you or seen in others.
Massive, Strong, Enduring Love for Parents, Regardless
I bring up all of this to illustrate one extremely critical and foundational point.
The connection, love, loyalty, and longing that children and even adult children have for their parents is massive. Even if you absolutely reject the notion that children love parents more than parents love children, it is indisputable that the love of a child for a parent, as well as the longing to connect and live in a state of giving and receiving love, is immense. It’s just a fact.
That is the point.
Massive, strong, enduring love for the parents, no matter how bad that child is treated, the love and longing are there, pulsing deep in the child/teen/adult-child’s soul.
The Implications of Cutting Off Parents
Recognizing the sheer power of the love of that adult-child for the parent, a power that can extend well into old age, it is no small feat to consider walking away from the parent, whom that adult child still longs for in their heart or just some small corner of their being.
Have you ever had to get a divorce? Or perhaps a spouse divorced you? Ever had to end a relationship with a best friend? Did you ever have to move out of a beloved hometown or neighborhood of friends, because work took you across the country?
Does it require some grand stretch of imagination to truly understand the gravity of what it takes to walk away from someone you love? I mean, do you get it? Hell, have you ever had to leave the gravesite of a war buddy, an old love, a favorite work colleague or childhood best friend, or even your longtime canine or feline companion knowing that you have to let go of the love, no matter how long it takes to happen, because holding onto the love is killing you?
Walking away from love is just brutally hard.
Now multiply that by about 1000, because none of those loves even remotely compares to the inborn, lifelong love of the child for the parent. None.
So, how much more excruciating is the leaving of a parent by an adult child? The agony of knowing you have to let go of the parent to save yourself, knowing that every chance has been given, yet every border has been breached and every wound has been inflicted and every opportunity for atonement passed by by the parent, either by lack of effort or lack of sincerity. So much time has passed. So many tears have flowed. So deeply has the heart been torn by the wretched knife of the callous parent.
And so, eventually, years, even decades later, the adult child walks away or even runs. So bad and so long the pain that the departure has become an inevitability of self-protection.
There is nothing easy about it, nothing hasty, nothing trivial, despite the protestations of self-defense by the parent, or diminishment of the reasoning.
And, when the adult-child finally summons the courage, over time, to pull the trigger and sever the parent and possibly more of the family that condemns the departure there is often a sense of release and relief, a burden set down, an ominous and fear-inducing presence removed, a source of pain excised. And the adult child can breathe again, much as one might after getting off a rollercoaster or unusually turbulent, scary plane trip or boat ride. Terra firma never felt so good.
There can still be residual longing and guilt. But, by the time the person is walking away, much of that has been faced and dealt with. Much of the grief, shame, and longing have been addressed in advance, which is why such a move is possible, to begin with.
And then the blessed relief, which is the whole purpose of this new path.
The parent’s reaction to being cut off
If it hasn’t been there already, this is when the backlash starts. Or, if it has been there already, the pain-filled rage of the parent now increases, directly proportional to the parental incredulity. Or, if not rage, the caterwauling of a cat in heat swells in the breast and life of the parent. Whichever the particular emotion engaged by the parent – anger, sadness, self-pity, or some other – the red thread running through parental responses, far more often than not, is a cocktail of disbelief, refusal to accept, dramatic posturing, and abject self-righteousness. In short, denial.
However, for the adult-child doing the cutting-off, the parental response is not actually known/experienced, even if totally predictable, based on long-established parental patterns of behavior. For, very often the person doing the cutting has made the lines sharp and clear.
Often, this is where the parent will complain to friends, family, Facebook, and anyone who will listen. Here begins in the individual and parental generations, as is common nowadays, the bemoaning of the entitlement and baby-like behaviors and beliefs of the younger generations. Refusal to accept any significant responsibility for the departure leads to entrenchment in the parent’s own stance, efforts, and moral rectitude.
Of course, it doesn’t require a PhD in human nature to know that the intensity of the indignance and the volume of the wailing on the part of the parent are driven entirely by pain. The parent feels loss at not having the adult-child in their life, but also the adult-child is not there giving them love, confirming their worth, meeting their needs, or simply affirming their abilities as a parent. In fact, the departure is a clear and direct condemnation of their parenting. And that just hurts.
So, likely true to character and pattern, rather than concede fault and admit mistakes and pain caused, rather than fully acknowledge and apologize, thus owning and repairing the breach, the parent’s fragile ego concedes nothing or makes only nominal concessions.
Finger-Pointing: But What about Him? What about her?
This is when the finger-pointing climaxes in the parent. “Why doesn’t she (the adult kid) own her shit?” “These [insert name of random younger generation] have no sense of accountability and responsibility.”
Self-righteousness rules the day, precisely when concession and self-accountability are most necessary to restore or create new relations with the departed child. Well, actually they were most necessary years ago, when the adult child, or even child, was alerting the parent to the problem and the pain the parent was causing. Now, post-departure, it’s past necessary. It doesn’t matter anymore. The adult-child has moved on, because they know and have come to accept that the parent refuses to change and own their shit.
And if the parent does not take ownership, their complaining and defending only increase, as does their contempt for society as a whole that has, in their mind, infected their children’s lives with these ideas that it’s okay to do this.
Yet, what has truly happened, much to the what-about-him harumphs of the parents, is that the adult-child has been owning it and taking full or near-full responsibility for it all for…well, forever. See, when the child’s love needs are not being met, as a young child, the child innately assumes, “Something is wrong with me,” or “It’s my fault,” or “I’m the problem.” The failures and inflicted pains of the parent onto the child have been borne almost exclusively by the child/adult-child pretty much all of his or her life.
That’s why the walking away from the parent is such a huge deal. It’s a physical manifestation of a colossal breakthrough in beliefs. And, everything starts and ends with beliefs. Formerly consumed by the belief and incessant questioning, “What did I do wrong,” and “I gotta do better,” implying something’s wrong with me, the adult-child has broken through to the realization that whatever I did, the punishment of withholding or manipulating love has far outstripped any crime I committed back in childhood. In other words, the lie is punctured with the realization, “It’s not my fault.” And, that is a massive shift.
After that, everything changes. The adult child goes from carrying the burden of “It’s all my fault” to the grand awareness, “This ain’t about me. They just really screwed up as parents.” This is fundamentally, at the most visceral level, the confirmation of worth, formerly sought from the parent, now granted by the self and confirmed in the act of departing, just as one might depart a callous or offensive person.
Kids have been taking accountability for parents’ failures and pain parents inflicted for millennia, unjustly so, more often than not.
“But it’s your parent”: Honor Your Father and Mother
Whether you’re religious or not, there’s no escaping the pervasive Western cultural belief that children and adult children have a responsibility, even expectation, to be loyal to parents, no matter what. It’s tough to find a religion anywhere that doesn’t hammer this point into children. But even strictly cultural concessions, great ones, must be made either to the parent or on behalf of the parent, because “Look at all they did for you,” or “But it’s your mother,” or “Family is family,” as if the sharing of DNA or sharing of a house together, growing up, demands fealty to the parent or an outright rejection of any criticism or questioning of the parent. It’s a sort of ex post facto “Get out of jail free” card.
Wielding this cultural or religious cue card, the parent long kept the child/teen/adult-child silenced. It’s a clever power move of enforcing expectations by implying a universal and absolute belief that parents get a pass.
So, in addition to the adult-child’s own love for the parent and longing to be close, the same adult-child feels the enormous weight of not only guilt in leaving the parent but shame from a society and/or religion that condemns such a thing near universally.
It doesn’t stop there.
Deploying The Angry Sibling
Family myths, or belief systems, exist to protect the person at the top of the food chain…and to keep the person at the bottom down. Puncture that myth and you will incur the fiery tornadoes of hell itself thrown at you. That’s just a fact. The more staunchly the parents believe in their rightness or infallibility as parents and enforce that belief, the greater the price for crossing it.
In fact, the entire family is caught up in the myth, which was established likely long before you were born or as you were growing up, established by the power of one of the adults in the room and/or the powerlessness of the other as conditioned in their own childhoods. What this means is that it’s not just the oppressor or pain-inducing parent whose hackles go up when the adult-child raises their concerns, in the years prior to departure. Because everyone is invested in the safety and fears inherent in the family belief system, your other parent, siblings, and even extended family members will engage in the fight to keep the dissenter down. The rebel must be silenced.
Why? They represent a threat to the family ecosystem. Your siblings are not likely to side with you, because they, too, fear the hail of metaphorical bullets from the parent with the power. They fear enduring the very wrath they see you slogging through. They fear being scorned, rejected, or exiled, depending on the temperament of the parent.
Heck, in some families the parent will actually deploy your siblings to turn on you if you’re that adult-kid exhibiting unrest in the family or calling out the parent. Or, perhaps it will take the form of a favorite aunt or a grandparent who gets sicced on that adult-child. Anything to re-establish the peace that came with silence and compliance.
So, again, for the adult-child to reach a point where they’re actually, finally walking away, they would’ve, in all likelihood, already had to surmount obstacles, both external and internal, and onslaughts from all directions, on top of the sheer sadness of facing the painful reality that they are about to walk away from people they have loved the very most and whom they most long to be close to.
This is no small thing. It comes with enormous, enormous pain inside the soul of the adult child.
And yet, they do it, anyway.
Hearing Your own voice: “Here I stand. I can do no other.”
Whether the adult-child realizes it or not, by the time he or she has reached the point of walking away from the parent, they’ve grown very strong. In any situation in life, you wouldn’t be able to overcome all of the pressures and voices, unless you had become stronger. The size of those burdens, expectations, and condemnations are precisely what kept the adult-child down, in the past. Thus, to overcome them would have absolutely required new strength, new insight, and new self-belief.
The adult child has done some of the work of sorting through and releasing the guilt, grief, shame, and longing that kept them stuck for so long. In the wake of these things comes new strength. For, the mere act of walking away, itself, is a statement of self-belief. It’s shouting to the heavens and to life, the immortal words, “Dammit, I matter!” Doing this is not the act of a weak person. It is the act of someone who has finally found themself, or is beginning to do so and do so enough to act on it. That’s a big deal. Yes, there’s still healing and growth work to do, but a massive myth milestone has been crossed that is an indicator of newfound strength.
Thus, somewhat ironically, at the time when the threshold is crossed of severing the parent (and possibly family), there is almost an ease of inevitability to it. It’s still painfully difficult, as will be the healing and growth process, after the fact. But the certainty, the knowing, is often vividly clear. Despite the “Sturm und Drang” surrounding the actions, there is somewhere in the soul of the adult-child a placid clarity, even if it too easily comes and goes, amid it all. There’s a touching of the bedrock of one’s own soul that knows what he or she has endured is not right and is an offense to the soul of who he or she is. And, from that same soul place, there is a knowing, “I must walk away.”
This soul-knowing is life’s most powerful force. It is from here that humanity’s most earth-moving acts have sprung. This is precisely why the real self-work of each individual is the removal of all blockages, messages, pain, fears, and BS beliefs they’ve been taught about themselves that obscure or outright obstruct intimate communion with the bedrock of one’s own soul.
Thus, this long, slow process leading up to the divorcing of parents and/or family is representational of the fact that for the first time in his or her life the individual has heard their own voice just loud enough and long enough to inspire courage and new action. That’s a good thing.
Myths associated with cutting off parents
Myth #1: “It’s these damn younger generations!” Part I
No one can dispute that there seems to be a spate of people cutting off their parents, at least in the United States and Canada, much to the lament of parents and older generations, who often view this as yet another indicator of the degeneration of society, which they see as the result of these “damn younger generations” and their lack of values. Of course, this belies the fact that the older generations are not only the ones who raised these damn younger generations but the ones who’ve held the power in society for decades, and largely still do. So, it’s a specious, if not outright laughable complaint. But, of course, that’s too much logic.
But, here’s the thing: kids have been walking away from their parents for a long time. The myth that this is new is silly. You don’t have to rewind the tape much more than the 60s and 70s to see the obviousness of that. Plenty of young folks from those younger generations not only rebelled against their parents, but outright rejected their parents’ values and, yes, walked away. Isn’t the very soundtrack of those generations – the white iteration of rock and roll (setting aside, momentarily, the African-American roots of it, as found in Chuck Berry, Sister Rosetta Tharp, et al.) – rooted in not only anti-war, anti-establishmentarianism, anti-authority, but anti-parents?
It’s not like this is some new message or new movement, nor is it the last that will rebel and create change. The phenomenon is the same. It’s just that a greater number of adult children have raised their standards for how they will and will not be treated. And so, as with 40, 50, and 60 years ago, the bar is being set higher. We are changing as a society. These are the growing pains.
Myth #1: “It’s these damn younger generations!” Part II: Head fakes divorces and the real deal cutting-off
This is going to come as a shock to a lot of people, most of the folks divorcing their parents, nowadays, ain’t teens and 20-somethings. Sure, there are some of those. But in my experience counseling families, parents, and adult-children, the bulk of folks who are fully walking away from parents are in their 30s and 40s, and sometimes older.
Now, there are a few distinctions to be drawn here. There’s the head-fake divorce of parents and the real deal cutting off.
Head-Fake Divorce of Parents
With people in their 20s, very often the cutting-off of a parent is driven by three things. One, the young adult-child is so hurt and angry that they want to punish the parent for the pain they’ve caused and refuse to admit it. It seems and maybe even feels like a divorce to both the adult-child and the parent, if for no other reason than there’s never been a breach in their relationship so catastrophic.
Two, it’s simultaneously an opportunity to create the space to breathe, think for themselves, and craft a little bit of their own life without the influence, judgment, or expectations of the parent(s). Though not always the case, while this point has come from great pain it’s not a final destination. It’s part of the process of finding self, a process that traditionally is both allowed and encouraged in the move into puberty. Thus, if not allowed, this young cutting-off of parents is a sort of trial separation intended to inflict pain, assert ownership of the young person’s own life, as well as drive home the message that the adult child will not tolerate old treatment anymore.
But, the most salient point is that, three, very often the 20-something is engaging a cut-off as a temporary measure, whether they’re aware of it or not, because what is also driving them is a tangible longing inside, perhaps deeply inside, to still reconnect with and win the parent back. Except, for the first time in the adult child’s life they’re using coercion instead of conciliation, service, accomplishment, and even sycophancy. But, make no mistake, they still want the parent back. Having been counseling young adults and parents in these situations for 30 years, I’ve seen these early, significant fissures like this serve as sort of the same function a trial separation might serve with a couple that has been fighting for years. Again, whether they’re aware of it or not, and even though they might be loath to admit it, I’ve seen that far more of these young folk, whom I believe are in the minority (if vocal minority) among adult-children leaving parents, deep down still want a relationship with their parents.
Thus, the trial separation is actually more of a head fake. It’s a feigned divorce because there’s no way they’re going to tell the parent that it’s a trial separation because then the parent would just ride it out and not change. No, the impact of seemingly permanent departure is intended to land the blow so significant that it induces a change in the parent.
Power Shift: from Parent to Adult Child
And, this is where the conversation gets to power.
Hoping to change the parent, the child, teen, and eventually adult-child has done everything in their power, or almost everything, to get the parent to change. They’ve chased the parental expectations, pleaded for more love, attention, acceptance, approval, or acknowledgment of what the parent is doing and has done. They’ve been raising their voice, fighting for their needs for likely years, even decades. And, as I routinely tell people, children shout loudest when feeling heard least (adults too, people too, nations too). Yet, despite all the protestations and imploring, their needs for approval and acknowledgment continue to go unmet.
And so, the Death Star. The walking away and cutting off the parent in the 20s is very often, though not always, the revealing of the ultimate weapon. Whether aware of it or not, it’s a flex. It’s the adult child showing the parent the Death Star (to cite Star Wars) they have created – i.e., that they have the power now to destroy worlds. Of course, the young adult-child isn’t aware of the power they actually do have, just that they have the power to piss off the parent by cutting them off. That can be quite delicious, at that age.
But the real powers are far deeper, including the power of being wanted, the power to explode the family myth, and the power of one day having grandchildren, which if the parents are not safe around the adult-child, it’s quite possible that the adult-child doesn’t feel that their own children will be safe, be it physically or emotionally, around the grandparents. See video!
Note: as stated in the video, Badass Counseling does NOT endorse the weaponizing of children in any way.
(NB: I’m NOT, NOT, NOT in any way advocating the use of grandchildren, or any type of children, as pawns or forms of coercion in any way whatsoever. However, that said, it would be naïve to think on the part of the parent that an adult child doesn’t now or in the future possess the power to do precisely that. And, if the parent has hurt the adult child, it’s not completely unreasonable to consider that they might hurt the grandchild, verbally/emotionally if not physically. Further, if the parent has never contritely given acknowledgment and apology, as well as sought to atone for wrongs done and pain caused, is it that unreasonable for the adult-child to assume it’s part of the parents’ character and thus not likely to change when it comes to grandchildren? Hence, if Job #1 of a parent is to protect the child, it’s not too far into left field to think the adult-child might not allow the grandparent to have access to the grandchildren. Again, I’m in no way advocating using children as power tools, so to speak. But, I am very much an advocate for protecting children, particularly protecting their souls, both emotionally and from the beliefs that might be imprinted there by irresponsible actors.)
The 20-something won’t actually engage the full power of the Death Star to blow up the world of the parent by ending it completely unless over time there is no change, no true contrition on the part of the parent.
The real deal divorce from parents generally happens later – 30s-50s, after the burden and clarity of the unrepentant parent has been carried much longer. Why does that happen; why does that burden have to be carried longer?
Real Deal Cutting Off Parents aka the Death Star
Well, to put it in simple, yet somewhat gruesome terms, the youngster doesn’t fully grasp, in a way that only duration of pain can teach, that mom or dad, or both, doesn’t give a shit. It is the daily, yearly increasing clarity that they just don’t care about you. Sounds harsh, but when push comes to shove, they would rather protect themselves (and their own fragile egos need to be right, to believe they were a great parent, or that they just won’t be pushed around by the likes of you) than help you heal. The slow grating, over time, of realizing your parent choose themselves over you in this head fake divorce painfully underscores and confirms what you’ve always known: This is what mom and dad have been doing the whole time, since childhood. The reason the adult child did the head fake is because they didn’t want to believe what they’ve always sensed. “Surely it can’t be true” is the disbelief driving the showing, but not fully using, the Death Star. And time alone reveals the unmistakable, undeniable truth: It’s been all about them from the beginning, and you ain’t never gonna get your needs by mom and dad.
Now, as an aside, there are a whole lot of adult-children who can say those words, “I know mom and dad are never gonna change.” But saying it and living it are two different things. They still won’t walk away, even for self-protection, because deep down they still hold out hope, against all evidence and what amounts to an undeniable 20- or 30-year pattern of behavior on the part of the parent.
Thus, the real deal cutting-off of the parent is when the full force of the Death Star is unleashed. The adult-child, who has now borne the heavy heartbreak of not only realizing mom and dad aren’t going to do the work of engaging in a massive transformation of character that they’d have to do before I’d let them back in my life but also “I’m alone now. And, I always have been. They truly don’t care about me and never have.”
There ain’t no heartbreak like that one. It’s just hard. A lifetime of striving has come to an end. A lifetime of hoping is gone. This sorrow is next-level stuff that a 35 or 50-year-old dreads, eventually faces, and finally, oddly, after all the grieving, embraces. Because, in that awareness is liberation, not just liberation from a lifetime of having to bend, contort, race, and achieve to try to win that parental love and approval, but liberation from the belief, “I am the problem. It’s my fault” I haven’t gotten the love, my whole life. The decades-long storms of grand heartbreak are replaced by a sky-blue clarity of the one missing puzzle piece finally being revealed. It was never me. It was them, the whole time. I was just a kid. There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. It was them!
Young people in their 20s don’t believe it, yet. They can’t bring themselves to believe it yet. Life has ground them down, but generally not enough to break them of the hope that mom and/or dad still might change and finally love them.
Myth #2: “I did my best” is good enough. And “Kids don’t come with instruction manuals.”
Far too often, parents will cloak themselves in the trite phrase, “I did my best” and other such blandishments, like “Kids don’t come with instruction manuals,” as ways to absolve themselves of the mistakes they made and the pain they caused, so that they won’t have to humble themselves and eat crow, let alone feel guilt or concede they weren’t as great a parent as they need to believe they were. Their own sense of identity, from years of investment into the child in the form of time, money, energy, etc, is so wrapped up in the belief that they’re a great parent, or at least an adequate one that they don’t have to apologize or even do anything more. Or, they just like telling people how great they are as parents, so as to get positive attention with a lie.
“I did my best” as a parent
When I have a client whose parent is espousing the “I did my best” trope (or if my client is the parent him- or herself), my simple question is this, “Did your parent treat their boss (or their customers) the way they treated you? What about their friends or people at church or their priest or rabbi? What about their spouse, or lover, or their own parents/family/siblings?”
If the answer is ‘yes’ to any of those, which it almost invariably is, I respond that obviously, then, they didn’t do their best. If they treat anyone, even one time, better than they treated you, then it means they could do better. They proved it. Therefore, they raised you by doing less, or even far less, than their best.
OR, even if they generally treated you badly but even once treated you with kindness, affirmation, acceptance, approval, or love, then, again, they just proved they’re capable of doing better, which in turn means they did NOT do their best. Because they could’ve treated you that loving way more.
Another question I ask clients is, “There’s no right or wrong answer, and every person is different in their response. But, which is worse for you, the things they did to you back then or the fact that they’ve never atoned for it?” The client will always take time to mull it over and it’s rarely if ever a clear or easy choice. Some choose one and some choose the other. But the point of the question is not the answer but the deliberation process. The mere fact they have to really think it over says that the atonement, or lack of atonement, is very important to my client in having the power to mend what was torn asunder by the parent. And, the parent not doing so when they clearly have the ability to do so or perhaps had the ability to do so when they were alive, says the parent did not do and/or is not doing their best.
Again, I ask, Has your parent ever apologized to their boss, friend, parent, customer, judge, lover, sibling, pastor, or friend? (And/or even, Does your parent believe that apologies are necessary for good human relationships and communication?) Now, granted, there are folks who don’t apologize to anyone ever. But, if the answer is ‘yes’ to even one of these, then my client’s parent is capable of doing better as a parent by coming to my client, the adult-child, and apologizing and truly owning the pain they caused. And, the simple fact that the parent isn’t doing that says the parent did not do and/or is not doing their best.
No parental instruction manuals for kids
Then there’s that other lovely little nugget, “Children don’t come with instruction manuals.”
Well, um, actually they do. I can have a 60-year-old man tell me that he had to replace some plumbing in his house and decided to do it himself. He’ll regale me with how he watched a few YouTube videos and talked to a buddy of his, and then crafted a plan and executed it pretty well. But then, in the next breath that same 60-year-old will tell me that he never went to a parenting class at his church or hospital, or even read a parenting book. So, the single most complex endeavor he would ever undertake, and he decided to just wing it or just do the opposite of what his parents did, which is like saying, “Well, we had a plumber in here last week and he was a bozo, who completely failed. So, I don’t need to take classes and talk with experts, read books, or even watch YouTube videos. I’ll just do the opposite of what that kid did.” Yeah, brilliant idea!)
There have been books, courses, and older folks who’ve parented kids successfully for decades, even centuries. My parents read parenting books and raised their kids on many aspects they learned from them, one of which was written in the 1940s. They took courses at local churches and community centers, and even audited college classes. My wife at the time and I did likewise. Many public high schools, back in the day, even had basic classes in parenting. Mine did: Home Economics, which taught some basic parenting skills and insights.
“Children don’t come with instruction manuals” is a myth used by parents who want to excuse themselves from having to take responsibility or revisit mistakes. Total copout.
Can You Heal the Parental Relationship?
All of this discussion leads to the inevitable question of whether or not it’s hopeless. Can you heal it?
Well, the answer is two-fold.
First, if you’re the adult-child, no, you can’t heal it. That’s the point. You’ve cut off your parents, in the end, precisely because you couldn’t heal the relationship, couldn’t change them, couldn’t get them to see things the way you do, even for a moment. You couldn’t beg them, strive high enough for them, or even coerce them. Their intransigence broke you down and destroyed all hope for you ever having a relationship with them, which means it also destroyed all hope of you getting that hole in your love cup repaired, the hole that they caused, decades ago. The only way you could stay in a relationship with them is by doing the very thing that was killing you – do what they want and live your life their way or without their acceptance, support, approval, encouragement, or what have you. And, that was simply untenable for you.
So, no, if you’re the adult-child, you alone cannot heal the relationship.
Can the Parent heal the relationship with the adult child?
Then, the obvious second point, or question, is can the parent heal it? The answer is ‘no and yes.’ You, the parent, cannot heal it by yourself, especially if the cut-off has already happened.
The whole problem in the relationship, or certainly a giant chunk of it, is that it has largely been a one-sided relationship the whole time – the power, privilege, and prerogative all posited in the parent. And, by divorcing the parent, the adult-child has established that, at least to some degree, that unilaterally determined and driven relationship with their parent no longer exists and will not ever again exist. The adult-child has reclaimed, or for the first time established their power, their voice, and their refusal to stay in a relationship with anyone, or at least you, if their needs are not being met, too, if their voice is not heard, and if their feelings and aspirations are not valued and respected, and even supported.
So, can the parent heal it unilaterally? No. Now at this point in the devolution of the parent-child relationship, the parent(s) is, to be frank, in the subordinate position of having to win the adult-child over. That’s virgin turf for the parent. And, as in any sort of such sales process, the buyer can say ‘no,’ if the sales pitch is not convincing, the product is not desirable, or they simply are done with the sales rep.
If the relationship is ever going to be healed, at this point, if the customer is ever going to open their door and let the saleswoman in to even have discussions, they have to create a very compelling argument. As with all sales, it’s all about overcoming objections. In this case, the customer (the adult-child) has had sooooo very many profoundly bad experiences with the product and salesperson that the chance of getting in the door is slim to none. But, what the hell else are you gonna do? Walk away? Let it end?
And this is where it boils down to one question for the parent:
Do you actually want it?
And, do you really want that relationship with your adult-child?
Do you want it badly enough to humble yourself, to sacrifice your self-importance and hubris?
Actually, infinitely more importantly, do you want to help your adult child heal from the pain you caused and the BS beliefs you have taught your child about their own worth and lovability????? THAT is the question. Let’s say, hypothetically, if you had the opportunity to choose between the following two options, which would you choose?
A. Your adult child is healed, but you don’t get a relationship with them; or
B. Your adult child is not healed, but you do get a relationship with them.
Now, what if I inject a third choice: your adult-child is not healed, you don’t get a relationship with your adult-child, but you get to maintain, even if only in your own head, the belief that you’re a great parent, did the best you could, didn’t make any significant mistakes, didn’t hurt your child, and, in the end, your kid is just ungrateful and screwed up.
So, what do you choose as a parent?
Because if you choose to actually help your child, then and only then, do you have even the remotest chance of getting your adult-child back. But, their healing has to be the absolute highest priority. Otherwise, you’re just contorting yourself and manipulating them to, yet again, get your own wants and needs met. And, truth is, they’ll sniff that sh*t out in about two seconds because they’re likely tired of your lies and BS. They’ve seen it a million times.
Thus, fundamentally, no sales pitch, per se, is going to work. The only crack you got is, to some greater or lesser degree, to begin and sustain permanently a total transformation of character, a sackcloth and ashes humbling and extraction of self from the center of the universe, or at the very least from the center of the family universe.
For many, that’s too tall an order. But that’s the price. I’ve heard many an adult child say to me, “Since I’ve done my healing work with you, Sven, I actually don’t hate my parents anymore. In fact, there are actually aspects I appreciate that I got from them. But, there is zero chance in hell that I want any sort of relationship with them, because of all they did and that there was never contrition and atonement. Unless they underwent a total transformation of who they aren’t, I’d never let them back in my life. And, there’s no way in heaven or hell my folks are going to do that. So, it’s done. It’s done.”
But, interestingly, as definitive as that is and for all the times I’ve heard it, there is still a clear statement of an open door there, whether they’re aware of it or not. The price has changed. Massive change from the parent.
Change of that nature and scale only happens – ONLY happens – from that parent being both convicted and compelled. It is to be convicted by the terrible, powerful awareness of all the damage you have done, as a parent. Everything begins with awareness.
And then come the tears and the heaving of the heart and bowels. When someone finally, truly sees what they’ve done and the pain they’ve caused it attacks the very soul with the pressure and force of immense heaviness, which is precisely why so many parents refuse to concede anything. They don’t want to concede any culpability. Seeing and acknowledging that to themselves, let alone to their adult child is, for many, a fate worse than death.
But, should a parent decide to finally look at, truly see, and fully feel the conviction of what they’ve done or chosen not to do, then the next decision is whether that is compelling enough to get them to change, truly change, and permanently change. There can be no real and lasting change without the conviction of the past and the compulsion to heal the adult child, if at all possible.
Getting Your Adult Child Back After You’ve Been Cut Off as a Parent
If you are the parent, in this case, and are ready to commence the process, I applaud you. For, it is a big and scary thing. It represents a lifetime moment for you, going from what you’ve always been to what you can be, both for your child and for yourself. It is to begin the process of healing self and thence healing those around you, most especially that kid you’ve hurt badly.
To begin, I strongly recommend that you do two things. One, I have a free video that I posted on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok on Dec 24, 2023, entitled “7 steps to help your adult-child heal.” Watch it. Do what is recommended in it. Don’t rush the process.
Do NOT try to engage the adult-child now! You have a long road to go before you are sufficiently ready for that. It doesn’t have to take forever, but you do have to go much deeper than you are now.
Next, you absolutely need to read and do my book, There’s a Hole in My Love Cup. Plan to take some time to work your way through the book. The goal is NOT to be done with the book, but to dive into the book and to let it take you deep. If you’re just trying to get through it, if you’re not doing the exercises deeply and fully engaging your full self and the truth of your own past, you’re not truly convicted and compelled. You’re just trying to win your kid back. You must engage the process fully. It’s your only shot.
That’s where it starts. All of the pain you caused your child, all these years, finds its origin in your own childhood. Until you heal yourself, you ain’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of helping your own child heal, let alone gaining a relationship with your adult-child. And, nothing is going to kick your ass more than that book. Also, you’d be wise to get into counseling with a therapist who specializes in inner child work, because you gotta heal yourself.
After a hearty dose of these tools, then you can put before your adult-child an accounting and acknowledgment of all you’ve done, and an apology of the sincerest variety – the kind that is not just words but is already in motion in the form of changed actions, attitude, and life. You then keep living out that apology in the form of a changed life, day by day, year after year.
Does your child matter enough to you to finally – FINALLY! – do it? Only you can decide.
-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Seven Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.com
