The simple fact of the matter is that when we're young we are incredibly impressionable. And so, the people who are most important in our lives push their values and expectations into us, sometimes deliberately, sometimes accidentally; sometimes by what they explicitly say, sometimes by what they model to us through their actions. Kids being kids, we then try to win their love by doing and being who they would want us to be, even though we're not even aware how much we're doing is simply to win their praise. We begin to chase things – accomplishments and values – we are convinced they will like and will, by extension, praise us for. Worse – far, far worse – 20 or 40 years later, even though we think we're autonomous beings, deep down we're still trying to win the approval of that powerful parent, whose messages are embedded deep in our soul., even though that parent may have died years ago or even though you actually get along with that parent now. That's the power of early messaging. And where it really gets wacky is when we transfer that desire for approval onto our own children, where we start contorting ourselves to win the approval of an 11 year-old or 22 year-old, precisely when they have absolutely no clue who they really are. Blind leading the blind.
 

Parents are not the only external power sources that influence us in childhood, even though they're generally the most  powerful. Grandparents, older siblings, influential teachers or religious leaders, and friends, not  to mention just the constant pulse of society's values beating on us through advertising and  expectations can be profoundly impactful and significant in the shaping of the child's values and sense of self. You were a kid and that was powerful stuff. In other words, you never picked your values. You were impacted by many sources more powerful than you. So, the real struggle vexing your soul and life is with values and pursuits that were never yours to begin with. Thus, until you can actual identify which are your values and passions and which were put in you by someone else, you'll never be able to actually stay motivated and excited down a path. Instead, you'll either have stops and starts, or you'll get down a path and realize it has bled the life out of you....because the path was never yours, to begin with. And so, it took a massive toll. (And by the way, paths are not just careers. Bad paths can be relationships, avocations, geographical moves, pursuits, value sets, and more).
 

Worse than not getting approval of those you admire and have been influenced by is the sheer terror of receiving their criticism. You've put on your big girl panties and claim their criticism doesn't hurt, but it's a lie that you tell yourself. You've contorted your whole life, or most of it, because inside you're still a child who was wounded by the sharp remark, the outright put-downs, or the constant doubting of you by your primary power sources – mom/dad, siblings, etc.
 

“If I can just get enough (read 'a lot') of money, then I can live the life I want and finally show those people who said I was no good or would never amount to much” and “When they're all looking up to me, finally, then I'll be happy!” But the problem is that you're still caught in the loop of external validation, which means you're quite likely chasing things – money, fame, respect – that they value, even if, deep down, you don't. Society, friends, and TV/internet say, “Money and the American Dream are the answer to everything you want and worry about.” And it seldom is. I have many clients who have extreme wealth and success, but are dumbfounded by the fact that they're still not happy or, more accurately, they are still unfulfilled, which is different from unhappiness. They discover that the external stuff they've acquired doesn't quiet the longing and emptiness they feel inside. Who they're being on the outside is not integrated with who they really are inside, in no small part because they have no idea who they really are, deep inside.
 

“If I can just force myself to get off the couch,” “If I can just find the right person or program to get me motivated,” “If I can just get off the alcohol, weed, incessant busyness, or what have you.” All of these 'ifs' and more end with the phrase, “....then I can unleash the beast inside and I can accomplish everything I dream of.” But when you can't get motivated, it means one of two things: Either what you say you want is not what you really want; or, you are burdened by fear and negative messages that have been implanted in you, as a child, that are dragging you down from the inside. And no amount of willpower can overcome the power of the messages written on your soul when you were young. In the long term, the soul is more powerful than the will. And that's a tough pill to swallow. You can't force your way out of your misery. Success comes not by conjuring more willpower but by healing your soul and changing your deepest beliefs about yourself.
 

It's so easy to get wrapped into an ever-increasing anxiety that I need to produce something NOW; I need to make something happen NOW. And when that doesn't happen or when I'm consistently frustrated, that anxiety gets mixed with feeling defeated and depressed, even hopeless. But I'm not going to tell you, “Oh your problem is that you need more patience.” Your problem isn't that you lack patience, per se. Your aching for success and making it happen asap is not about patience. It's about a deep longing to get the accolades that come with success – money and praise. Why? Because money and praise make you feel something. It's the feeling you seek. It's that sense of approval and that sense of being respected and loved. Above all else, what you seek most is the feeling that those things bring. And you're convinced the only way, the best way, the quickest way, or  the easiest way to those feelings of love and fulfillment is by money and fame – i.e. success. And when you haven't gotten them for some time, your frantic-ness increases; it becomes neurotic. The criticizing voices in  your head become louder and louder, and you become more frantic, more needy of approval from your external power sources. But because you're not even on your authentic path, that feeling of approval and fulfillment never last. You're on this path for the wrong reason. (Truth is, however, there's another way – a way that leads to twice the power, ten times the fulfillment, and a hundred times the happiness of money and fame.)
 

The intense drive you've got and/or the extreme frustration and anxiety you're feeling are not because you're on your most authentic path, but because you're running from the criticisms of all the people who said, “You'll never amount to sh*t” or who said, “You should do x, y, and z, rather than the stupid stuff you actually want to do.” And so your life became about running from all the voices in your past – running from them by trying to make them go away, by trying to subdue or overcome them, by making them be nice to you by finally liking you, rather than just let them come up and out of you, once and for all. You're not running 'to' the path of who you really are, deep down. You're still just a living reaction to all the stuff from your past that you're running from – the messages, the wounds, the bad life models shown to you, etc. Until your path is authentically you, you're still running. And that 'running from it' comes in the form of working too much, drugs, too much exercising, over-parenting, anti-depressants, cheating, gambling, over-drinking, and on and on. And the only way to stop running is to stop running and allow yourself to finally look at and remove from your life all that you've been running from. There are few things scarier in life than this.
 

Because those external power sources were so dominating, you were never taught how to hear your own deepest inner voice – the voice of your own soul. Or, almost worse,  you were taught to distrust it. Often, a parent will convey the message, “I know what's best for you.” Implied in that message is, “You don't know what's best for you and so you should always listen to me, rather than listen to your own inner voice.” You either can't hear your own voice or you simply don't trust it, which leads to always looking outside yourself to someone else to tell you what to do. You can't find your own path now, because you're afraid to ask and trust your own voice. If you can't hear your own voice, you can't know who you really are or what your own true path is. And if you're never on your own, true path, you'll either never have success or, worse, you'll have success – even monster success – but it'll be empty: it will be the proverbial 'have it all but still unhappy.'
 

Even if you could figure out who you truly are (not easily done, by yourself, which is why I've put these courses together and do the counseling I do), the thought of showing the world what your passions are and who you really are is scary as hell. See, the reason people stop being their own truth is because when they were their most authentic self, when younger, they got criticized or somehow taught that what they reeeaaaaally want and aspire to is not good, not good enough, or not as good as what mom or dad (or some other external power source) wants for you....or from you. And that is terrifically painful to be told, especially as a child, that what you want and who you are is unimportant, or not as important as what I, your external power source, want from you. You're terrified they may not like you. Or perhaps you're terrified you're not as good as you always believed you were, deep down. Or, quite simply....
 

The price of showing the world who you really are is standing up to or standing against those who have been loudly or quietly running your life, since you were a child. Or, even if you're not standing against them, at the very least, it means living a life that stands in contrast to their values and their aspirations for your life. And nothing is scarier than saying 'no' to what the world, society, friends, family, your own children want from you. Why? Because you fear their disapproval, even more than you crave their approval. Truth is, you know them so well that you already know what they'll say if you deviate from the expected path and go for what YOU want. And if you say an explicit or tacit 'No' to their expectations, you will incur their disapproval and even wrath. Having incurred that as a child, when you were defenseless, the thought of doing so again has a terrifying grip on your soul, suffocating your very own voice. 'No' is fundamentally a statement of your own worth, an override of what is expected of you, a statement that says, “Who I am matters! And it matters more than you and what you want from me.” That is powerful hooch! Simply, life begins at the word 'no'.
 

***The way to finally have the life you want to is to clear away decades of accumulated crud inside you and the swirl of voices in your head, all of which are blocking your ability to hear your own voice and undermining  your courage to say 'no' with your life and follow your own voice. NOW IS THE TIME TO BEGIN THIS WORK!! Click NOW on my courses and dive into Course 1: Healing The Soul. For, before you're ready for Course 2 (Unleashing Your Greatness), you have to clear away a lifetime of crud that is holding you back.